The Pastor’s Children

Perhaps no one pays a greater price than children when they have a parent involved in local church ministry. Little ones are not capable of processing the demands and/or constraints of church work well enough to understand a frequently absent parent. Teens are very capable of seeing the demands of ministry, but may not be able to process the whys and wherefores that go along with those demands. The result can be a growing resentment toward church (and, ultimately, even God) that, once they are of age, drives them away from the precious things of Christ that we desperately want them to know. There is no doubt that being a pastor has the potential to be hazardous to your children’s spiritual health.

This is compounded by the almost universally unfair expectations people put on a pastor’s kids. They are expected to be miniature saints, ready to be carved from marble, and spiritual role models to one and all—even though they are only children. When someone else’s child makes a mess of something, the lament is, “That’s too bad, but he’s just a child after all.” When it’s the pastor’s child, however, the response is often not so understanding: “Can you believe it? The pastor’s kid . . . he should know better.” How can we protect our children from such expectations, as well as from the disillusionment that sometimes accompanies growing up in a pastor’s home?

Three things come to mind. First, the only way to battle the possibility of spiritual disillusionment is to make sure there is never a moment of doubt in your child’s mind that, though you love and care for all the kids in your church, none are more important than your own children. They need to be constantly reassured of your interest in them and their activities. They must never be allowed to wonder if you love them for themselves or simply see them as a good source of sermon illustration material. Second, to protect against false expectations, we must work at creating a safe zone for our kids. They need to be allowed to grow and develop normally, and that may mean building a hedge around them. Once again, a key to this is a frank conversation with church leaders about what is and is not in bounds where the pastor’s kids are involved. Setting up that safe zone can let them feel more normal despite their rather abnormal lives. Finally, we must be students of our children. When the proverb says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6), which, by the way, is a verse that has caused much consternation and heartache for many parents (including pastors), it is calling us to train them “in their own individual way.” We must care enough to find and invest the time necessary to know them—their hurts and hearts, their dreams and desires, their passions and their problems. In the process of discovering what makes each child tick, it also creates the opportunity to discover unique interests they have that you can cultivate with them—further investing yourself in their lives. For one child it may be music, sports, science, or nature. Whatever it is, find it—and leverage it as a bridge for building a relationship with them. Are these steps foolproof? Of course not, but they are valuable steps in the right direction.

In our final segment, we will look at how being in ministry can impact our relationships with our extended family members.

One Response to “The Pastor’s Children”

1. spencerc777 says:

   October 20, 2011 at 12:05 am

   This struck me in the above account: ‘Teens are very capable of seeing the demands of ministry, but The result can be a growing resentment toward church (and, ultimately, even God) that, once they are of age, drives them away from the precious things of Christ that we desperately want them to know.’

   I have been doing sports ministry (soccer tool in particular) in Cape Town, South Africa for the past six years, (no funding by the church), and my 14 year old daughter said to me last night, (and I sensed the resentment you mention here), she said: ‘Papa, you have been doing all this work for all this time, and nobody pays you – why don’t you just go and find yourself a job!’

   I had to remind her of how that in caring for the poor and destitute, that in so doing, we are blessed as a family, financially too.

   I believe that this can be a very sensitive issue, especially when the children see a lack of support, especially financial, when their parents are in ministry. Yes, we need to be on our guard against the enemy sowing seeds of resentment in this instance.

   Thanks for the insight in your account. Bless ya! spence