FRIENDSHIP

1 Samuel 18–20

Introduction: The news of the death of a very good friend of mine reached me in November. Leonard and I had met in our freshman year in college and been friends for 63 years. He passed away while speaking at a missions conference in Pennsylvania, which was a fitting place for his departure from this earth to the joys of heaven. He had served the Lord in Brazil for many years and had just returned from the field.

In God’s plan, our paths kept intersecting all through our lives. We studied together in college and seminary. He was the best man in my wedding. Later, I became his pastor in Cleveland. When he felt called to Jewish missions, I was chairman of the sending agency.

I felt a great sense of loss when I heard that he had passed away. And as I reflected on the nature of our friendship, I found some similarities with the friendship of David and Jonathan. What are the marks of a great friendship?

1.    Kindred Spirits

“Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul” (1 Sam. 18:1).

• Knit. The word is translated “bound up” or “chained” in some translations. Probably the best passage to bring out the nuance of the word is Genesis 44:30-31 where Judah says, “Now therefore, when I come before your servant my father, and the lad [Benjamin] is not with us, since his life is bound up in the lad’s life, it will happen, when he sees that the lad is not with us, that he will die.” We can understand this. Benjamin was the youngest son of Jacob. Jacob’s wife Rachel gave birth to Joseph and died in childbirth when Benjamin was born. With Joseph presumed dead, Jacob’s strong affection for Joseph was transferred to Benjamin. He became his father’s favorite. Their lives were entwined and knitted together. And so were the lives of Jonathan and David.
• Soul brothers. For this type of friendship to occur, there must be a chemistry that pulls two people together. My friends Bill and Dan found their love of fly-fishing the magnet that drew them together. For Jonathan and David, it was their military feats. These two became kindred spirits right after David’s defeat of Goliath (17:53-58). For Leonard and me, lifelong adventures with God and for Him fueled our friendship.

2.    The Making of a Covenant

• Symbols. “Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan took off the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his armor, even to his sword and bow and belt” (1 Sam. 18:3-4). Vows are usually sealed with symbols. A vow to serve in the military is symbolized with a uniform. Marriage is identified by wearing rings. In the past, a “friendship ring” sent the message of friendship. Jonathan, son of King Saul, was next in line to be king. But he recognized that God had anointed David as the future king, and so he generously stepped aside, even to surrendering his armor. But more important than symbols are the words of a covenant.
• Words. Jonathan said to David, “ ‘And you shall not only show me the kindness of the Lord while I still live, that I may not die; but you shall not cut off your kindness from my house forever, no, not when the Lord has cut off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth.’ So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, ‘Let the Lord require it at the hand of David’s enemies’ ” (1 Sam. 20:14-16).

  The word kindness is the Hebrew word chesed, which means covenant loyalty and love. David took their covenant seriously. In 2 Samuel 9, we read the story of King David showing kindness to Jonathan’s son Mephibosheth, who was invited to sit at the king’s table because of that covenant.

  In the last few weeks, I have been considering Leonard’s three children (now adults) and what the implications are for me to make sure of their welfare on the basis of friendship and chesed.

3.    A Willingness to Pay the Price of Friendship
Jonathan was caught between his father’s jealous rage at David and his love and loyalty for David. It meant confronting his father and verbally defending David. It meant hearing angry words like these from his father, Saul: “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness? For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, you shall not be established, nor your kingdom. Now therefore, send for him and bring him to me, for he shall die” (1 Sam. 20:30-31).

What was Saul saying with these harsh words? “Your mother’s nakedness: Saul suggested that Jonathan and his mother with him were shameful because of Jonathan’s apparently despicable behavior. Aware of David’s increasing popularity, Saul knew that David would likely displace Jonathan from the throne. Here, Saul demonstrated his selfish concern for his family’s welfare over God’s sovereign will” (footnote in the Nelson Study Bible, p. 487).

Jonathan not only had to endure the violent and harmful words spoken by his father, but he also had to dodge his “meant for killing” javelins (1 Sam. 20:33). Jonathan paid a terrific price for his deep love for his friend David.

And my friend Leonard paid a deep price for his love for the Lord and loyalty to the assembly of believers, where he found spiritual friends. Because his conversion was looked upon as forsaking the traditional religion of his family, his parents put him out of their home. Later, thank God, both his mother and dad became born-again Christians and welcomed him home.

4.    Emotional Transparency

“As soon as the lad had gone, David arose from a place toward the south, fell on his face to the ground, and bowed down three times. And they kissed one another; and they wept together, but David more so” (1 Sam. 20:41).

Tears. There’s a myth that strong men don’t cry. Was David a strong man? Ask Goliath! Was Jonathan a strong man? Ask the Philistines he defeated in 1 Samuel 14. Men, who as boys were told not to cry, can become emotional cripples unable to express themselves in words or shed tears. But from the shortest verse in the Bible (John 11:35), we read: “Jesus wept.” Was Jesus strong? Read again the events surrounding the cross. Beatings, nails, a crucifixion! Jesus settles the issue of men and tears. “Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Heb. 12:2).

A Kiss. I regret to write that some have read 1 Samuel 20:41 and have suggested that the language of this text indicates a homosexual relationship between David and Jonathan. There is nothing in this biblical account that would suggest this kind of relationship! This verse applies here: “To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure” (Titus 1:15)

5.    A Remarkable Eulogy
After Jonathan and Saul’s death, David sang these words: “Saul and Jonathan were beloved and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided; they were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions. O daughters of Israel, weep over Saul, who clothed you with scarlet, with luxury; who put ornaments of gold on your apparel. How the mighty have fallen in the midst of battle! Jonathan was slain in your high places. I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; you have been very pleasant to me; your love to me was wonderful, surpassing the love of women. How the mighty have fallen, and the weapons of war perished!” (2 Sam. 1:23-27).

Why was David’s response remarkable? After Saul’s envy, jealousy, and anger toward David, he rose above pettiness and included Saul in his eulogy. And again, David underscored the depth of his love for his friend Jonathan. They had not seen one another since David’s departure (1 Sam. 20). But with the news of Jonathan’s death, his feelings surfaced and were wonderfully expressed.
Like David, I received the news of the passing away of my friend Leonard after the memorial service had already taken place. I would have valued the opportunity to express my love for him at the service. That missed opportunity was a reminder to me that probably the finest words expressed about someone we really love are saved for the funeral, where the deceased never hear them. Let’s remember to be intentional about using the phone and cards and e-mail to personally express our love for those we love and appreciate.

Recommended Resources:

Leap Over a Wall by Eugene Petersen

David by Gene Getz

David by Philip Keller

David by Stuart Briscoe

The Friendless American Male by David Smith