When People Throw Stones, Part 3

In last week’s posts, David Roper discussed the challenges that ministry leaders face when they are criticized and offered advice on how ministry leaders can cope. Today he suggests ways that spouses of ministry leaders can support their mates in these circumstances, and tomorrow he reminds us that there is always hope.

Things to Do for Your Mate

As you gain perspective and strength from God, you will be better equipped to support the one you love in a purposeful way. Here are some steps you can take:

• Be available. Set up an uninterrupted time to talk about the criticism when the two of you are not tired or exasperated and try to limit your talks to those scheduled times. Pray together about all the issues surrounding the charges, but don’t allow the hard stuff to obsess you and dominate your relationship.

•Listen well. Ask your spouse what he or she thinks about the criticism. Your spouse may not want to talk about everything. You don’t have to know all the details. Ask and then listen without trying to fix your spouse or the situation. Listen– not just to hear what was said but how your partner is affected by the criticism. Ask your mate what he or she needs from you. Before giving advice, ask if input would be helpful. As Louis McBurney once said to us, unsolicited advice is usually viewed as criticism.

•If the criticism of your spouse is valid pray that God will open your partner’s heart to discern the truth. Pray that He will give you wisdom to know whether you should talk to your spouse about the situation. There is a time to speak up.
The Old Testament story of David and Abigail tells of the enormous risk Abigail took to approach David with regard to his sin (1 Samuel 25), but she did so because she loved him more than herself.

Several thoughts emerge from the passage: Abigail linked truth and love; she was straightforward, truthful, and respectful. She was specific in her critique of David’s actions. She pointed out what his ill–advised course would cost him and urged self-restraint. She reminded David that God was in control and could deal with Nabal much better than he. Abigail saved David from certain ruin by her wise and gracious counsel.

Perhaps your mate will listen and learn. Change is possible. Sin can be forgiven. Mistakes can be corrected. David said of Abigail’s counsel, “[God] has kept his servant from doing wrong . . .” (1 Samuel 25:39). David heard God’s voice in Abigail’s wise counsel.

•Express your care. Garrison Keillor tells a poignant story about a man who was going through desperate times and had almost given up hope. His wife listened quietly as he unburdened his heart, then reached out and touched his hand. “You know I care,” she said. “Sometimes,” Keillor mused, “that’s all a person needs to know.”

Let your spouse know that you will be there over the long haul, in the good times and the bad. Your spouse needs to know that you are a loyal friend who will walk alongside him or her no matter what, where, or how far you have to go.

•Provide sincere affirmation. Remind your spouse of God’s call to serve in this place. Point out the unique spiritual gifts, experiences, and qualities that you value and that equip him to minister. Remind your spouse of specific ways God has used him or her in the past. Though your spouse is human, it is through human weaknesses that God’s strength is revealed.

Be affirming, but be honest. Don’t go beyond the truth. The first time we went to watch our seven-year-old granddaughter play soccer, she instructed us, “Now don’t say I’m the best player on the team, ’cause I’m not!” But she didn’t mind at all when we shouted “Good effort, Sarah!” and cheered when she did make a goal. Sincere affirmation can be a solace to the soul.

•Respect your mate’s integrity. Let your partner answer the criticism if it needs to be answered. This problem is not yours to solve. Let your partner deal with it before God. Know that with His help your spouse can get through this troublesome period and be a better servant as a result.

•Direct critics to your spouse. If a critic comes to you and complains about your mate (who knows nothing about the criticism), there may be no reason to pass it on. You can take the matter to God and leave it there.

If the issue is serious and needs to be addressed, ask the critic to go directly to your mate. “If your brother sins go and correct him,” Jesus said (Matthew 18:15). That’s the biblical way.

•Encourage your partner to find a soulmate. A minister needs to seek a wise and discrete friend with whom he can discuss the criticism—someone who will listen, provide feedback, input and who will pray.