When People Throw Stones, Part 2

In part 2 of “When People Throw Stones,” David Roper offers up some coping strategies for ministry leaders who have been criticized.

Things You Can Do for Yourself

Recently we flew to Washington to visit our son and his family. At the beginning of our flight the attendant conveyed the standard safety instructions, ending with the procedure for securing our oxygen masks in case of an emergency. She concluded her remarks by saying, “If you are traveling with someone who needs assistance, you must secure your oxygen mask first and then help that person with you.”

So it is with us. In order to offer supportive help you first need to find a perspective that promotes tranquility, gentleness, and strength.

Here are some ways to help yourself:

• Examine your heart. Are you outraged and angry? Are you afraid your future is in ruins? Are you afraid your partner won’t hold up? Are you afraid the criticism is true? Do you feel trapped because you cannot control its spread? Take time to reflect on what is really going on inside you.

•Engage God in a prayerful dialogue. Tell Him how you’re feeling. Jesus modeled this honesty before His Father in the garden as He faced the cross. Ask your heavenly Father to give you His perspective on your situation. Often this comes from reading and reflecting on His Word. If you are struggling with issues like resentment or pride confess your sin, accept His forgiveness, and move on.

When you’re angry or fearful, don’t unload your initial reaction of fury or panic on your mate. It may only drag him or her down or incite him or her to riot. Take your fears, anger, and pain first to God. Let Him calm your heart. Remember that He has permitted this cruel intrusion. As John White observed, “He has considered every angle.” Everything that has happened has been screened through wisdom and love. God is sovereign. He, and not your mate’s detractors, is in control.

• Find a confidant. Look for someone safe with whom you can be honest —someone who will strengthen your grip on God by listening and praying, who will give godly input and keep every confidence. This will relieve you of the need to continually review the matter with your mate. (Long-distance friends can often meet this need.)

• Be real. You don’t want to back the truck up to your mate, but at the proper time you may need to reveal how you’re affected by the criticism. Are you sad? Weary? Angry? It can be good to let your mate know who you are and how you’re feeling as you walk through this crisis together. This can help that person love you well and prevent the perception that you are simply reacting to him or her.

As you are working through the issues toward a godly perspective, let your spouse know how you’re dealing constructively with your pain. This can be a stimulus to your spouse’s own recovery.

We remember one period in our ministry when David was subjected to unrelenting, hurtful criticism. During this time Carolyn found herself getting angry and weary as she processed these attacks. At times she withdrew into herself or was on edge, and David thought she was reacting to something he had done. It helped David when Carolyn said something like, “Honey, I know I’ve been out of sorts today, but I want you to know it’s nothing you’ve done. It’s just that all this stuff is really getting to me. I want to assure you that I’m talking to God and trying to look at things His way. Please be patient with me.”

When is the proper time to open up? Certainly you want to open your heart if your inner struggle is affecting your relationship with your mate adversely. Beyond that there are no easy answers to that question, no formulas to follow. God knows, and He will let you know the proper time as you wait on Him. That’s the way we’ve found it works.